


Sollux Is A Douche

by randomVolts



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, I'm so sorry, everyone fucks everyone, i wrote it with a friend we were possibly high, oh my god this is bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-20
Updated: 2014-08-14
Packaged: 2018-02-05 11:04:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1816273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomVolts/pseuds/randomVolts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I am so, so sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> if you're reading this you must be very bored.  
> if y'all want we can attempt to make a sequel

CHAPTER ONE

Karkat strolled over to the table where Sollux and Aradia were eating lunch, outside of Feferi and Eridan’s Coffee house.

“Hey Sollux” said karkat. and they all greeted him then feferi came out to the table and started flirting with sollux even tho she was dating eridan, and served them their GODDAM SAMMICHES. any way karkat sat down by sollux who he had a crush on except aradia was going out with sollux but she didnt mind that feferi was cheating with him.

then eridan came out and saw feferi flirting with sollux and got mad but THEN he saw karkat. he had not realized that he was IN LUUUUURRRVE with karkat, but he was dating feferi so he didnt know what to do!

chapter 2

later that day after feferi closed the coffee shop the peoplel went to the state fair and on the ferris wheel eridan told feferi that he knew she was cheating on him and that he was *gasp* BREAKKEN UP WIT HER so she told him to never go to the coffeeee shop again and ran off crying. but she first ran to sollux and aradia who were being stupid derps on the merry go round.

“eridan broke up with me! sollux can we hang out tonight? i need cheering up” she cried.

finally aradia had had enough. she was tired of sharing sollux.

“this is it sollux” she told him “i am tired of sharing you. you must choose which of us you want to be with RIGHT FUCKING NOW” she shouted.

“fine, you two lovely ladies and i can have a three-some” he replied.

“hell no! i hate you anyway! were through!” aradia screamed, throwing her pulled pork with a shitload of bbq sauce on to sollux’s head, ruining his hair.

“fine i choose, KARKAT!”

3. 

karkat walked up right as sollux said he chose karkat. karkat shrieked with joy because he had mega crushes on sollux

“OMFG SOLLUX I LIIKE YOU TOO LETS BE BOYFRIENDS” he cried in delight

“haha lol ok lets” said sollux, as a joke because he thought kk was just covering for him to get rid of the bitches.

“man i’m so ready to get rid of the bitches, shit bro, lets go to gamzee’s and get stoned” sollux suggested. so they did.

while they were there, gamzee was like “you two are motherfuckin hot” karkat was like “ooomfg right i know” sollux was suprised and didnt say anything then gamzee was like “we should have a motherfuckin threesome” but then sollux got high as everloving fuck and so they did and it was crazy and after they all ate pie and drank hangover juice. 


	2. oh fuck there's more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> get ready for frankie and liz and the slobber dildo arc.  
> (even better than the sweater-poster war)

well, after sollux gamzee and karkat had a three way, sollux and karkat left and they went to get coffee cuz they were tired and still hungover even though they drank hangover juice, but when they got to the coffee house eridan was outside with all his stuff because feferi was making him move out.

“oh hey bro, sorry about your breakup” sollux said like he wasnt the one to make it happen in the first place.

“fuck off, sollux. youre a douche” said eridan, and he turned to karkat and said, “hey man, care to help me move?” suddenly karkat noticed how attractive and cute eridan was and he asked sollux,

“sollux do you really wanna love me forever, oh oh oh, or is it just a hit and run?”

“jeez, bro, i don't really like you i’m not gay, i just thought you were covering for me when those bitches got upset.”

“oh yeah? well what about the shit at gamzee’s?”

karkat, i was high as fuck. gamzee’s a cool motherfucker but we were really stoned.”

“fine. that’s ok because i am ALSO BREAKING UP WITH YOU AND I WILL HANG OUT WITH ARADIA AND WE WILL FORM A SOLLUX HATERS CLUB INCLUDING ALL THE GIRLS YOU PICKED UP AT BARS FOR SEX!”

“hey can i join the club?” eridan asked

“sure, man. and yeah, i can help you move”

and so sollux went back to his house to think about what a douche he was and feel sad for a while before going to the bar to pick up a slut. when he did go out, he met vriska, AND HE FELL IN LOTS OF PASSIONATE LOVE. that is the end of sollux’s part of the story because he decided to marry vriska and have a lot of doing that thing adults do where they grunt and fling their privates around every night. ( there was a -grub- baby but they gave it up for adoption. itwas a very traumatic event for them that changed their lives forever and thats why we use protection kids. )

 

CHAPTER FIVE

 

Feferi was at her coffee shop cleaning up to close and aradia walked in and was like “feferi i want you to meet this adorable guy named tavros” and feferi was about to say “no aradia i love you can we have sex now” when aradia opened the door and tavros rolled in on his wheelchair. feferi was overcome by cuteness and almost fainted

except then an amazing girl named frankie came in and stole tav’s heart and they got married and had a baby named jade ((liz: NOOO FRANKIE YOU CANT SHIP YOURSELF WITH TAVROS AND HAVE A CANON BETA KID AS A BABY ESPECIALLY JADE! I TOLD YOU THAT! ))

**((frankie: no. her name will just be jade, and i don't ship myself with tavros he is my soul mate. shoosh))**

(( NO YOU KNOW THAT YOUR BABY IS JADE HARLEY. I’M NOT ALLOWING THIS. NOW BE A MAN AND STOP SLOBBERING ON YOUR BABY TEETHY TOY. ))

**((FRANKIE: IT’S NOT A BABY TEETHY TOY. I HAVE A JAW DISORDER. ALSO JADE IS UNDENIABLY THE COOLEST OF THE KIDS, EVEN COOLER THAN DAVE AND DIRK))**

(( Now frankie, you know that you do not have a jaw disorder. It’s totally an unfrozen teethy toy. why do you even have those? theres just three hanging around your room. also, don't anger the homestuck fans. you know how they are about the characters. and you know, i hear they are rabid this time of year. ))

**((liz theyre rabid EVERY time of year and HEY FUCK STOP TOUCHING MY BABY TEETHY TOY YOU CRAZY WHORE))**

(( HEY. FRANKIE BE NICE. and maaaaybe we should get back to writing the story.))

(( wait did you just get another baby toy. ))

**((WELL YOU TOUCHED THE OTHER ONE WITH YOUR DIRTY HO HANDS SO YEAH  GOT A NEW ONE))**

(( FACEPALM 3X COMBO! ))

(( you know it doesnt help if you put your slobber toy on your phone, right? ))

**((FCUK))**

  
  
  


(( We apologize for the involved ooc discussion. Back to the story))

**(( Where were we, even? ))**

Aradia turned to feferi. “im sorry. how can i make it up to you?” “kinky sex .” said feferi

“aight lets do this” and they did it behind the counter after feferi locked the door

during thier escapade eridan walked by and was like “ wth is going on” and then he saw and got all depressed so he went to go find tavros and frankie to make him feel better with a blowjob party.

**((omg liz youre a perv. go die in a hole while fucking cronus ampora))**

(( i ship it. you know you do too. also we decided that this is a joke so i wanna make it as bad as possible. i know thats not generally how it works but whatever.))

but after awhile eridan was still sad so he looked down and asked frankie where karkat was. frankie looked up at him and swallowed what she had in her mouth because she knew it was impolite to talk with your mouth full. **(( OHMY JEGUS LIZ I’M GONNA KILL YOU WITH MY BABBY TEETHY TOY. THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED. ))**

**ok here is what really happened:**

eridan saw and got depressed so he hired a whore named liz to make him feel better but she was a crappy whore so he was like bye and he left her in the motel and went to find karkat

(( HOLY WHAT THE JEGUS FUCKING SKYDIVING OUT OF A HELICOPTER TO GO SWIM WITH THE DOLPHINS IN THE BAHAMAS. i have problems with you now. 1. i am not a whore. i prefer to be called a very temporary sexual partner. 2. don't fucking touch me with your slobber dildo. 3. we need to stop doing oc notes. 4. i had to say so many things but now i forgot. 5. its totally not what happened. ))

karkat was gushing his feelings about his relationship problem to gamzee not noticing what gamzee was doing to his butt. (( im leaving out details cuz i like to manipulate people with thier own imagination. :3 ))

then eridan walked in the door and saw them and was like “what the mother glubbing fuck”

 

so eridan gathered all his courage and walked up to karkat, and said in his most manly, charming, smexxah voice, “hey karkat i love you let’s have sex.”

  
LET US MAKE THIS BE THE END KTHXBAI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry


	3. will there be a part 2 WHO KNOWS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> will sollux is a douche return? PERHAPS

hey y'all, a few people have asked for more of liz and frankies beautiful prose. if you want more of this bullshit, comment.   
if you want to see a character beautifully butchered and a particular canon personality absolutely ignored, COMMENT!  
if you want ANYTHING FROM ME, COMMENT OR SOMETHING OR MESSAGE MY TUMBLR AT spaghetticthulhu.tumblr.com 

THAT IS ALL.


	4. we dont know what canonical personalities are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whoop de fucking do i hate my life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> liz wont write more so this is me pretending to be her

my name is eridan dim'lit mania crow anpora and i have black hair with purple streaks that reaches my fins and yellow eyes like lowwblood tears and a lot of people tell me that i look just like billie troll armstrong (an: if u dont kno who dat is get hte fcuk outto her!) i am a seadweller but i live on land and i study sciences from ansrew hassie debunking academy. i am twenty yrs old and my bf is named Karkatt (i'm bisexual) i'm very stylish (i'm bisezual) and i love obscure botiques i buy all my clothes from there for example today i was wearing black and dark blue skinny jeans a blaack v neck top with purple shinyies on it and a black cardigan. 

karkat and eridan were on a daaaatee and as they gazed into eachother's eyes over their GODDAMN FANCY SAMMICHES they heard a loud voice from across the resarant! it was...

VRISKA AND SOLLUX!!

 they were at th same resterant! but vriska and sollux were too busy to notice becasue solluz was using his Uusually Long Toungue to lick salads of vriske's fork and his TOugune was soooo sexey she was gttin all hot n bothered under the table so karkat ad eridan tried to leave quietly but then

ARADI A AND FREFERI SHOWED UP TOOOOO

IT WAS A THREE COUPLE SHOWDOWN! 

karkat called an emergency sollux haters club meeting. (( **the sollux hater's club: hating solluxes since 2013))** ((dont be mean frankie))

gamzee suggested they sopor up a bitch but that is a horrible thing to do dont drug people it is gross and gamzee is gross, so they didnt. karkat heroically grabbed erifan and nobly told sollux tofuck the fuck off the GIrls Sollux Picked Up At Bars For Sex threw toast at everybody. (( **remember they are in th club too)) ((** where did they come from and what about the other restaurant patrons )) (( **shut up i control this universe i am it's own personal andrew hussie)) ((** i fear for the lives of anyone iin it.)) 

aradia and feferi were feeling kind of confused bc they werent sure who to throw food at, so instead like any smart person would do they started eating it all because hey, free food. 

well then they started throwig alcoholic beverages and they all god drunk and sang songs and had a pool orgy,

eridan and sollux and feferi and aradia woke up in an , trashed motel room in like canada or whatever. they drank some of gamzee's hangover juice with extra vodka in it but since the hangover jo=uice is basically just straight vodka anyway (( **secret formula exposed to the public!!!!!!))** they just drank a lot. then the four of them walked around to find out where they were but hten they found KARKAT AND JOHN HAVING BUTT SEX AND EVEN THOUGH KAKAT ALWAYS TOPPED ERIDAN HE WAS LETTING JOHN TOP HIM OMG 

OK THERE A CLIFF HANGER UR WELCME BYE


	5. why am i doing this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but wait if yu order now you will also get HORRIBLE CRACK PAIRINGS

an: i sed stup flammin da story prepz dis cgapta will deel wit vrry serios ishus ok shut up fangz (geddit cuz im goffic) to lizzy 4 da help A BAND I LIKE ROCKS AND I AM GOING TO STATE THAT HERE EVEN THOUGH IT IS OUT OF CONTEXT AND IRRELEVANT AND ALSO I NEED TO TELL YOU EVERY FIVE MINUTES THAT I LIKE THIS BAND ((frankie you are not funny)) (( **yes i am shut up))**

eridan made the ghaaaaaaaaaaasp when he saw john and kk and vriska went to comfort hiim but sollux pushed infront a her and started tryna hug erif and say apologizing but eridan know what good for erian and he ran to feferi and befgged for forgiveness and that silly girl took him back 

sollux was so distraught he went ot wach netflixes with his reall actual wife viska serkaptor. 

kanaya marry em and rose low blonde were walking in the parp when a disgusting guy CAT CALLED at roes and said he wanted to FRICKLE FRACK with her BOOBIES and ossoo kanaya the biggest badass in hmestuck beat the SHIT outta him

mean while eridan and karkat were in the midste of breaking up 

"but i thought you loved me" asked karkat

" after you cheated on my i realized i didnt im sorry kk" he replid

"I THOT YU WERE GAAAAAY" kakrat YELLS

"IM BISEXUAL DAMMIT"

"OH YEAAH WELL IM JOHNSEXUAL SUCK ON THAT" KARKAT grabbed his dresser where he keeps all his stuff like hoodies and weaponry and lap tops and dirty books and he hauled it out side and started draggin it down th street the bruno mars in that one music video except less lame

he wwent alll the way to john house and johns let him in and gave him some ushers and a rimjob the n they played vidia gaemszz

johns dad was really mad when he saw kakrkat and he kicked him out! 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i aopologize for literally 3 parargraps i'm busy a lot know that i love you, hundreds of screaming fans. i love you like dave loves the mayor. i love you like terezi loves hangign stuffed dragons out of her windows i love you like jane loves dandy mutsaches.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> new and imporoved with dave/equius, and scourge sisters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ones 4 u friend u know who u are

john was weeping desocnsolately becuz kk has to leave and then DAVE showed up at johns house 

OMG dave what are you doing here" sheriks john but then

equius 

"this is my rad bf equius" dave explains. "we need a place to fu-i mean sleep tonight

"okay" says john "you can sleep in the upstairs bedroom"

"thank u buddy"

 

meanWHILEEee  

vriska and sollux were sittin on tha couch when terezi burst in 

"yo sistah i'm here to PARTAAAAYYYY" she said

"terezi my favorite bisexual fuckbuddy and larping partner what a surprise" said vriskers

"oh dear." said sollux because he is a douche. 

 

at johns house kkarkat snuck in thru da window

"i couldnt stay away from u bby" he said

"aww bby." said john.

"hey bby?" asked karkels "can i hate fuck sollux pls?" 

"okay bby" said john 

what akarkat didnt tell him is karkat was a POLYAMORY and was still in love with the sollux!

AND VRISKA DOESNT GIVE TH E SHIT ABOUT SOLLUXS SEXLIFE CUZ they got theymselfs adn OPEN RELATIONSHIP so kar and sol did the sex. 

dave and equius were fucking in their upstairs bedroom. dad egbert was under them in the kitchen 

"WWOOOOOOOOH" screamed dave and then (then) THEY FELL THRU THA FLOOR WITH A BIG CRASHHHHH 

and dad gebert was shocked to say da leest! 

equius was all slimy an they were both nekkid 

"i have a feeling its gonna be a long day" said dad egbert. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i gave u solkat   
> and dave/equius  
> i'm so sorry  
> i'm  
> so  
> sorry  
> my bad fanfic skills have just been kind of not workin lately.   
> i'm sorry


End file.
